Enjoyment

The past 9 years, I've been playing a game called League of Legends (LoL).  You probably have heard of it.  It's one of the most popular games in the world.  My gaming life started in elementary school with Maplestory.  It was my first game, and basically my only game until 10th grade, when League of Legends came out.  Portable consoles were good, but after I beat the Pokemon games every year, the stories kind of got old.When I first started playing LoL, it was because my friends had just started playing during the beta.  Most of the friends who played Maplestory with me were high leveled, and it became a massive grind to reach them.  I never really made it.  LoL was a fresh game, I could play with my friends and it would be fine.  I was bad, it was fine.  It was super enjoyable.  Eventually my friends got really good, and I was stuck alone again.  So, naturally, I started grinding game after game.  Because I had to be good enough to play with them.  Half way through college was when I finally made it.  I was finally within the top 10% of players.  I was decent enough that I wouldn't be a burden when I played with my friends.  But on the way there, I had lost the main reason for games, the enjoyment.  I hated playing alone, but when my friends played with me it became bearable.  But I needed to improve to play with them, so I continued to grind.  After 9 years, I hit the top 3%.  By then, all my friends had quit.  But now, it was the only thing I was decent at.  So I continued to play alone, waiting for friends.  And sometimes I found some, who would let me play with them, but they inevitably quit too.  Sometimes they come back, though.When I was in Elementary school, I played games because the art was cute.  Because I actually enjoyed the worlds that they put me in.  But now it's almost impossible for me to enjoy any game.  I'm always thinking, "I need to be better.  I need to be good."  And every time, I never am.  It becomes just another job.I tried GRIS last night.  You should look it up.  The whole game was created to help you experience the world.  There were no enemies, no health to worry about.  Just a beautifully created world, and very comforting music.  It was the first time, in a long time, I was able to thoroughly enjoy a game, and not treat it like work.  And this enjoyment, is something I would really like to be able to do for everything.  Working, living, especially churching and God.Whenever God comes into the picture, I instantly start on a list of things I should and shouldn't do.  Why don't I feel spiritual?  Why do I keep falling into the same sins everyday?  Why am I not growing?  If I'm not growing, am I really saved?  And the whole time I'm looking at where I think I want to be, when in reality I'm right where I need to be.  Wow.  How did we get to this conversation? ._.So anyways, I *strongly dislike* my life.  I wish I was good at something.  Everything is not enjoyable.  And I want that to change.  Especially with God.Yeah, so I'm reading through this post, and the flow kinda doesn't make any sense.  Like, how did I even get to the topic of God.  Oh well.  I guess I'm just posting it anyways, since uh... its 2am.  oop.