It’s been a while

Hey, it’s been a while. How are you doing? Is work going well? Is your life going the way you expected?

How am I doing… On a scale from 1-10 I guess I’m at a 5? Which is okay. I’m feeling pretty tired, and burned out. It’s hard to wake up early, and work is kind of a drag right now. Probably because I haven’t been learning much new things lately. Usually I learn most of my new CS stuff because it’s necessary for work… Haven’t really had inspiration or ideas to work on in my off work time. But also I’d rather just play games. If I wanted to code something I could just do work instead. I guess I’m also starting to feel burned out. I don’t really have a “break” day physically. Saturday and Sunday's I play volleyball, and then Monday-Friday I have work. I don’t think I’ve slept in in months. In a couple weeks 9 man season should be over so I guess I’ll get a break then.

Is work going well?
Uhm sure I guess so? Although it’s kind of crunch time now to meet our deadlines. So that’s a little stressful. Also I’m on call… A LOT… in the next month. I just finished my oncall week (still following up on my tickets) but I’m only gonna get a week off before I go on call again. Lately, on call hasn’t been too bad (very few pages), but just the possibility of things going south is giving me stress. Can’t really relax.

Is my life going the way I expected?
Kind of? In terms of career milestones, my life is going way better than I could have ever wished. But that’s also one of the bigger problems. I don’t know what else there is to do. Just keep working towards a higher salary? I feel like my salary is already way more than I need, and I don’t feel remotely good enough to consider myself deserving of it. To me it feels like my company is expecting a lot from me, but I’m just barely meeting their expectations (if that). I’m dreaming of that stay at home husband/dad life. Or I guess if I actually start budgeting and saving money I could retire relatively early. But that requires me to plan, and cook, and not hangout with people as much. But yeah… Up until this point in my life, there has always been a set goal. School, college, internship, job, car, house. But now I feel like there’s no map at all. It’s just work, work, work… and save up money so I can enjoy life after I’m way past my prime. And even then it’ll be, do I have enough saved up? Do I enjoy what I’m doing? or… What am I supposed to do with my time?

Sometimes I… Actually a lot of the time, I watch other people do things that I want to be able to do. And I’m thinking how do I get there? When I come to an obstacle I tend to just run into it. repeatedly. I don’t really take a step back and evaluate what my best course of action should be. I guess, I wish I could motivate myself or let go of my ego or be less ashamed to ask “how?”.

Just some random thoughts. Iunno